An open letter to the world..on behalf of "My parents"

Posted by Dani, Speech-Language Pathologist

Dear parents everywhere,

Let me first state that I am not yet a parent. More specifically, I am not a parent of child with special needs and/or interfering behaviors. That being said, I have gained significant experience in counselling, educating, and collaborating with parents who raise children with a range of diagnoses including Autism and PDD-NOS ("my parents"). I give credit to my amazing coworkers who I continue to learn from every day, the strong and loving parents who share with us their most vulnerable states and rawest emotions regarding raising a child with special needs/interfering behaviors, and most of all, I accredit the principles of Applied Behavior Analysis (it's science! it works!)

 I can't even begin to describe the strength and perseverance I see in so many of my parents. I assure you that my parents come from ALL walks of life. I assure you that despite socioeconomic, cultural, and religious differences-- my parents have MANY things in common. The obvious commonality is the fact that they are parents of children with special needs. More importantly, they all love their children deeply and enter into Early Intervention for that very reason-- to try and find the best and most effective way to help their children.


Many of our kids will tantrum when denied access to something (i.e. "i want another cookie") or when transitioning between environments (i.e. leaving the park or the grocery store). A tantrum can include but is not limited to the following interfering behaviors: extreme crying, hitting self, hitting others, slamming head on floor, throwing objects, biting, spitting, and throwing up. A common element in children with interfering behaviors is their lack of ability to communicate effectively (How frustrated would YOU be if you could never express your self in a way others understood?)

We counsel parents on how to best MANAGE these behaviors so that they reduce in frequency and duration, and everyone can be a lot happier. Here is a VERY typical story that I personally have heard many many times (substitute train table for just about any motivating activity (i.e. swings at the park, sandbox, etc)).

Steven wanted to stay at the train table at the mall but Mom needed to leave to go home for her other child to get off the bus. Mom told Steven it was time to leave and he threw himself on the ground crying and screaming.  Mom yelled at him and asked "Why do you always do this! You know we need to get home for Joey. Please don't do this to me in public!"
A lady was staring at them, whispering to her friend. A different lady came over and asked Steven "What's wrong honey, you love your trains?" She told Mom "Aw, let him play a little longer."  Steven threw a train across the floor and another lady picked it up and said "Here ya go buddy!"  Steven took the train and ran back to the train table to play. Mom really needed to leave and at this point had reached her limit. She picked up Steven although he was fighting and screaming ("No!! Mommy!!!") and crying and managed to buckle him in and leave the store-- with all eyes on her and the silent beast- JUDGEMENT.

Our advice for this particular story would include:
1. Give child a warning for leaving the table while keeping the language simple (i.e. "Okay one more time around the track", "One more time down the slide", etc "and then we are leaving")
2. Once you express to the child that its time to leave ("Okay, its time to leave!")- you carry on with your leaving routine (i.e. pick the child up and put him in stroller) despite the child's actions.
3. Do not verbally engage child or respond to his actions. Remember, you told the child you are leaving, you don't need to repeat yourself or enter into conversation about WHY you are leaving. You are the parent, and you are leaving.
4. Stay as calm as possible. Even something as subtle as a eye roll could register as a reaction to your child, therefore potentially reinforcing their behavior.
5. IGNORE THE LOOKS and JUDGEMENT of people that are not educated on how you are managing your child's behavior.

I understand that many people out there may see a child on the floor crying, or fighting to get out of his stroller and feel sorry for the child. Here's a clue: feel sorry for the PARENT. Especially MY parents! You have no idea the potential extreme behaviors that this parent deals with on a daily basis. You want to help? Stay out of it. Unless you are witnessing child abuse, please give the parent the benefit of the doubt.

We teach our parents to ignore these types of tantrums, so when a perfect stranger approaches the child or the parent, the child is either directly or indirectly receiving ATTENTION for his tantrum which will in many cases will INCREASE and ESCALATE the tantrum. Thank you very much random lady at the mall with an opinion.

This message also applies to family members of my parents who see fit to give their opinion on how to manage the child's behaviors. Our parents are trying to follow through on the advice we (professionals in the field of behavior management) provide them. They are doing the RIGHT thing, even though it may look WRONG to you.

To my parents:

Keep on keepin' on. Though we can sympathize the feelings of embarrassment,  worry, and frustration you may feel while your child is throwing a tantrum in public and others are intervening, we cannot empathize because we do not live with you or see your child 24/7. All we can do is encourage you to STAY STRONG! This is your child. If you are following the advice of professionals (informed and awesome professionals :)) then continue doing so. I wish that I could generate a business card for my parents to hand out in these situations-- it would read something like this:

"Dear Nosy and Judgemental Individual,
My child has special needs. I am following the advice of professionals regarding managing his behaviors. Please support me by walking past and understanding that I am trying very hard to help my child tolerate transitions and cope with his extreme reactions. I need your support not your judgement. Thank you for your consideration" 

In conclusion, while I am writing this post on behalf of my parents that we care about so deeply, this could apply to ANY parent who is using the principles of ABA to manage their children's behaviors. Lets face it, a 2 year old with or without special needs, can usually be a handful!

Next time you are out in public and your child throws a tantrum, please think of this post and know that you are doing the RIGHT thing for your child and ignore the haters! Thank you for reading and allowing me to "get the words out!"